So I’ve been really REALLY self-centered lately. Basically, I’m always in self-pity mode, because I’m single, so I mope about that, and I’m homeschooled, so I mope because I have no friends and never get to go out or have any fun. (This is completely untrue, but it’s the fundamental basis of my mopage.) Beyond that, I’m sort of a freak, not just in the homeschooled way, but just because I am; because I know that when most kids were spending their Friday nights going out to movies and stuff like that, I was writing AP English essays, or reading Aquinas, or CS Lewis, or Charles Williams, or doing something brainy like that.

Being in self-pity mode is SO unhealthy, but it’s hard to break out of; it’s sort of fun. I don’t think I whine, quite, but I’m sure I complain a lot, and I know it annoys everyone. So, on behalf of my complainy self, I’m sorry!!! The point of this is that, lately, it’s been worse. I’ve been watching all of the “normal” kids doing “normal” kid things — things that are a really big deal to them, but which I never will get a chance to do. Like go on dates (ooh), or go to Prom (oooooh), or graduate with a robe and ceremony and all that (OOooooooh!). So I’ve been unusually bad with the self-pity, because I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll probably be sitting at home and reading Aquinas on Prom night…” And I’ve just been feeling like *oh I’m such a freak and nothing in my life seems normal*, and I feel weird talking to my peers because they’re all talking about what their prom dresses look like and where they’re going for graduation and I just feel really out of it.

So yesterday, Mom and I were driving to pick up pizza (we had a pizza dinner, yum!! It was totally junk food night — pizza, soda pop, and ice cream. It rocked), and Mom commented that, compared with most people she knows, she has led a very normal life. She says that she feels this way because she has a stable marriage, reasonably good job security, a house in a nice enough neighborhood, three children who have had no run-ins with the law, promiscuity, drugs, alcoholism, or serious illnesses — basically, we’re good kids. She said that she felt weird talking to her peers because most of them have job problems, or are divorced, or their kids are getting into trouble… and I was just thinking, “I am SUCH a JERK,” because I have been feeling all of this self-pity for my situation which basically is good. I mean, I feel out of it because I don’t have the same experiences as a lot of kids my age… but at the same time, my circumstances are way better. And not all of those experiences of my peers are good, anyway. I mean, drugs are ewwwy, and promiscuity is not only dangerous, but morally dubious as well.

So my point is, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! I need to stop being so self-centered. I mean, hey! I *do* have friends. Some of them are close by, and some of them are far away, but they’re still good friends, and I know they love me. And my parents are sweet, and don’t hit me, but tell me that they love me on a pretty much daily basis, and hug me, and tell me that I’m a good person. And my siblings are the *coolest*, they are my peeps! And I’m not emaciated, or crippled, or retarded. I have all of my fingers and toes, and they all obey my command. Beyond that, I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and good clothes. Even beyond that, I have my own computer with dvd player, printer, guitar, stereo, a reasonably large CD collection, a bean bag chair; I have a job which earns me *almost* $100 a week, and I GOT INTO COLLEGE and got financial aid and a National Merit Scholarship. I may be the luckiest person on earth, but I have been acting bitchy the last few weeks because I don’t have a frickin’ prom or some stupid-colored robe and cap that would only itch and not look good anyway.

Anyway. That’s enough introspection for now, and probably more than any of you fine folks really wanted…

So I’ll get on to updating what’s been up. Let’s see… this weekend I basically worked and did chores and homework. Eh. I get to go for driving practice today, though, and tonight I am sleeping over at Robert and Tanya’s for a youth group overnight (YAYYYY!!!) and then tomorrow I get to work — no classes, school is OVER!!! — and then tomorrow *night* Mary and David and I are going out with Robert and Tanya to go to dinner and then see “The Matrix Reloaded”. I am way way WAY too excited for that I haven’t seen it yet, and I’ve been dying to see it.

I’m really happy about the job situation, too. I’ve got almost $1000 dollars, and Mom’s requirement, she says, is $1200. Anything I earn after that I can put towards my books and any other expenses I may need to tend to in college. So I can earn, like, several hundred more dollars this summer that I don’t have to give to Mom. I may *even* be able to get the computer that I want; Mom says that if I earn enough money to pay for part of it, she and Dad will help out and make up the difference. (She didn’t say how big a part, but I know she means several hundred dollars, rather than, like, $20.)

My plans for the summer seem (to me) pretty exciting. June 11-17 — OMG, that’s like… soon!!!! — peopleses from islas are coming to visit us and hang around and chill out and be cool, and there are a couple of them that I haven’t met before, and I’m excited to be meeting them. *waves to Tyler and Alexandra* Then, about a week later, I get to go to HYC 6-Day, and that is going to kick some major butt. I know I’m already doing a *couple* of things for the talent show, which is kind of funny, because I basically got drafted into doing them… I didn’t volunteer, but I was just asked, and I was like, “Uh… okay… I guess.” It’s because I play guitar, and that makes me a public resource, I guess. I don’t mind — it’ll be fun — but it’s just a little funny that I find myself in this situation, considering how much I hate performing. No — wait — strike that, reverse it; I *love* performing. And I hate it. (”This also is thou; neither is this thou…”) I love performing, because it is the ultimate completion and fruition of the thing that I am most passionate about — music. But I also hate it, because it is terrifying to have everyone staring at me, and I’m just like…. eee…. stage fright!!!! So I know I’ll make it through, because, as Padre tells me, when God gives someone a job to do, He makes sure that that person is able to do it.

That seems obvious, but I think some people miss it… Padre preached a whole sermon about it a little while ago. Basically, it means that when you feel that you have a calling, even if it seems stupid or unrealistic, you should go for it, because when God calls you, He makes that thing to which He has called you an actual possibility. So even if I am scared senseless at the idea of being stared at by a hundred or more people, I will make it through, because God wants me to be performing and singing and playing guitar. I know He does, because He told me so; He told me so when He sent a bunch of groupies after me last time I performed to tell me what a good job I’d done… and He told me so before that, when He helped me write my songs and make them all cool and pretty and stuff. I know that sounds really REALLY egotistical, but I like my music. I’ve made mp3s out of a few of my songs, and I totally listen to them sometimes. I used to write only a kind of music that I didn’t actually like to listen to very much. I knew that other people liked the songs, but it was depressing; I didn’t feel like I was expressing myself well enough by writing songs that bored me. But as I’ve gotten better at guitar and writing, I think that that situation has improved greatly…

Anyway, that reminds me that I need to practice guitar and check out my songbooks, because we are going to be planning the youth service tonight, and I need to have some ideas for songs. Carrie gave me a whole list of good ones, so I should practice those, and see what I can play and what I can’t.

I love you all, and you are all blessings. I’m sorry I’ve been so annoying lately. I think my friends must be saints, considering that they ever talk to me, at all. God bless you!!!

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